“You don’t know how strong you are until being strong is the only option you have left.”
A few months ago I lost my younger cousin sister, my best buddy, my partner in crime of 29 years.
She was fighting the biggest fight with cancer which came quickly and un announced , and it took her in just a few months.
Sammy and I have spent the best years together. Our bond has always been so strong and because of the length and depth of our relationship, I could never imagine my life without her.
As we lose someone very close to us we really don’t know how we can move on.
I always felt happiness is always having the people you love the most in your life - physically or just a phone call or a skype call away.
I really don’t know what life is going to be like now for me and my entire family, but what I have learnt from the loss of my sister is LIVE FOR THE MOMENT! It has probably taken me a long time to realize this but I guess this is what Sammy always tried telling me.
Being positive and just living for the moment and enjoying what we have now was what she followed. I really have to do just this whether the moments are at worst or not.
During the first few days I think I was in so much pain that I did not really know how to even react, I wanted to yell and cry and scream out of anger why her ?why us? But I knew there would be no answer. I knew I was at my worst but I did not want the pain to walk over me. I decided to embrace the moment even though I would have done anything to avoid it. The pain has not gone but I am trying my level best to loosen its hold on me.
Many a times people run away from pain when they lose someone they love and they drown into the feeling by numbing themselves in a lot of ways. They refuse to talk about it, trying to bury the feelings they are going through, which only makes it worse as it makes them grow deeper.
I miss my moments I have shared with Sameera.
The crazy sleepovers, Barista hangouts, New Yokers nachos and corn cheese balls , rebellious behavior ,our gossip sessions, our silly fights, crazy dancing on any song ,sharing clothes ,sharing moments of mother hood.I know I can’t live these moments anymore. But I have decided to relive all these moments I shared with her in my memories.
I have realized that now when I relive these moments instead of trying to bury them by talking about them to Zeba- my little cousin who has suddenly become all grown up - I actually have the power to turn the sadness into a type of joy. By remembering the person that Sameera was and what she meant to us all, I have started to appreciate all the years we had and celebrating those moments.
I have started doing a few things that are helping me embrace this sadness.
If you do find me talking or laughing alone with myself don’t think I am going crazy, well I am just chit chatting with my sister and enjoying that moment with her. Well cooking time is Sammy and me time now, I talk to her and experiment on a lot of dishes now with her help and bravo…they are actually turning out good.. Well now I realize two bad cooks can make one hell of a yummy dish.
I have started talking a lot about her. I want to keep her alive- the laughs, the memories, the good times, and of course even the bad times too. Boy the memories of the bad times stress me out even now. Such Rebellious behavior got us into a lot of trouble but we both always managed to get out of them at last. Were we lucky or were we Smart? I guess we were both….
I plan to go to all the places we did together to hangout and relive those moments again.
I do keep messaging her though I know I will not really get a reply but I get a sense of satisfaction. Well I had to switch from whats app to mailing her as her hubby Abizar just messaged me a few days back that I should switch to email as her number is going to get disconnected and whoever gets it will wonder what is the conversation all about if I went on ..hahahah man that would be fun though.
I have started talking to the stars now ‘cause I know my Rockstar sister is up there and is twinkling as bright as ever. My kids talk to their Sammy khalla too looking at the stars.
I do get chocked with sorrow and do have tears rolling down my eyes a lot of times but I do not try to hold them back. I let them flow and then smile and get going.
All this has been very hard at first but now I find it strangely comforting. I think at times how would Sameera react or what she might say if she were here and embrace the moment for all it is, even though it is not at all what I would like it to be..
In Embracing the moment and making the most of it, I limit the extent of my pain and may even turn my sadness into joy.